Isle of Nan TT: Closer to the Hedge
Captain Custard
Us: “Can we order some puddings please” Waitress: “Yes of course, but first the Police are waiting for you in the bar” Manx Copper: “Are
Motorsport for the almost dead
Isle of Man
60 kilometres (37.7 miles)
Mobility Scooter
The Isle of Man TT. One of the most daredevil motorsport events on Earth. A race for the fearless. A maker of legends. Lives sacrificed for ultimate glory.
They say age is no barrier. Well it definitely is actually. For those competitors who made it to the start line without suffering a coronary, the Mountain proved to be an unforgiving mistress.
The challenge was set. Sixteen veterans put down their knitting, pulled on their racing slippers and meandered their way in to the history books.
After three days in the saddle we rolled over the finish line in a time of 66 hours and 13 minutes. That is a new TT speed record. At an average speed of 0.56mph it is by some margin the SLOWEST EVER lap of the TT course.
This pioneering eco-friendly electric vehicle race provided all the thrills of a trip to the post office, but thanks to zero-emissions (excluding flatulence) no polar bears slipped into the ocean for our entertainment.
Welcome to the The Isle of Nan TT: the only motorsport event to be timed with a sundial.
A hip replacement beckons
A pitstop. The way it should be.
Another Sunday morning. We were slumped en masse in a London hotel room after another random Extreme Trifle night out. The theme was pubs with cheese in the name and it definitely involved fancy dress.
Pre-breakfast breakfast was a good old cup of tea and a packet of exceedingly good almond slices.
We were half-watching some coverage of the Isle of Man TT races. The commentator remarked that there was still a £10,000 prize on offer for the first electric vehicle to lap the circuit at an average speed in excess of 100mph. A small seed was sown in our sub-consious although we didn’t know it yet.
Later, during a hungover stroll to the local cafe, a mobility scooter trundled out of the chemist. It proceeded to carve up the high st with no general regard to the safety of either the rider or the public at large. A grin simultaneously spread across our faces. The small seed blossomed into a magnificent tree of fuckwittery. The Isle of Nan TT was spawned.
The rest of the day was spent doing research into important mobility matters such as “Do you need a licence?”. “Do you need be to registered disabled?”. “Can you drive a mobility scooter while drunk?”. The latter question did produce some epic Google results.
Our personal favourite was the 67 year old who got arrested for driving whilst drunk at 6mph with a passenger “clinging to the front“. The reporter then took journalistic licence to the extreme in claiming that the pensioner had previously been arrested for “riding his scooter at speed“.
In summary, even if you’ve never seen a Highway Code, or ridden a bicycle, or you are in fact a free-range chicken – you can hire a mobility scooter.
Encouraged by this we set about making plans to compete at the world famous TT races.
“How many?”
“Sixteen. One Six”
“Oh, and we need to put them on a ferry to the Isle of Man and then we’re going to race them around the TT circuit dressed as old ladies”
The line went dead.
Another hire company said “No”. All the hire companies said “No”. This was proving trickier than expected. What we needed was a new angle.
We needed to look legit, not like a bunch of blaggers planning a drunken stag weekend.
If we could convince the public this was a real event then the sponsors would come flocking, there would be a bidding war for TV rights and Lamborghini and Ferrari would be queing up to offer us technical support.
Unfortunately no supercar manufacturer has entered the mobility scooter arena as yet. No matter, the Invacare 2000 and the Swifty Deluxe sound almost as sexy.
The game-changer was deciding to do it for charity. Our intentions were honourable enough but it doesn’t half make the negotiations easier.
Us: “Can we order some puddings please” Waitress: “Yes of course, but first the Police are waiting for you in the bar” Manx Copper: “Are
