Destination

Taiwan

Distance

As yet unknown

Vehicles

Local noodle delivery moped

An artist's impression

The image above is an AI generated vision of an Extreme Trifle trip to Taiwan. The mode of transport is about right.

Otherwise the only bit rooted in reality is the man gazing wistfully into the distance, contemplating how much easier the trip would have been if our luggage had turned up at the airport.

The Wrong Way Round Taiwan is the sixth instalment of our alternative version of the Long Way Round motorcycle adventure series starring Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman.

You’d think based on the first five instalments we’d have given up by now, but no, we went to the pub and all of a sudden it was a good idea again.

The least worst terrible outcome

Our limited research has so far uncovered a spectacular number of things that could go wrong which means we must have got it right.

First, Mother Nature. She might decide to unleash an earthquake while we’re inside a perilous rock strewn valley. Or maybe huff a typhoon at us while we’re navigating the highest motorable road in South-East Asia.

Second geo-politics. How about we arrive at the exact moment China decides it’s time a for a bit of coercive reunification and spend the next few years in a labour camp. Or maybe Trump will decide he wants to buy Taiwan and everyone in it.

Either way, we’ll escape on a raft made from leaves and twigs and survive at sea for 3 months before starring as ourselves in the Hollywood film they make about it, so it’s not all bad.

Or maybe we’ll just miss our flights. 

T-minus

Days
Hours
Minutes
Seconds

and then it’ll only be 60 days to Xmas…

Going local

On this occasion the logistics of transporting our trusty Yamaha Townmates half way around the globe are fraught with challenges. Basically we can’t be arsed. Instead this a a “fly-ride” option.  We fly in , hire some bikes and fly out. Easy, except it’s really hard trying to convince a tour company that you don’t want a bike fit for purpose. For Wrong Way Round Mongolia this wasn’t a problem as ALL the local bikes are crap. Same for Wrong Way Round Himalayas. But Taiwan is a modern economic powerhouse with roads that have tarmac on them and vehicles that have working lights, brakes and the correct number of wheels.

Raising the stakes

Ok, so right now you’re thinking this has all the drama of a cycling proficiency test. If it’s not dangerous surely there must be comedy value?

Fancy dress is an option but in a tropical climate that could get a tad sweaty. 

The secret it seems is to go East.

East and then East again

So the first bit of going East is a bit easy, if a bit long. London to Taipei is 10,000kms long or about 15 hours in an aluminium tube long. On a scale of longness that is at the longy end.

But then it gets a bit more interesting. The West coast of Taiwan has gently rolling plains and is all a bit nice and fluffy. That’s where everyone lives. That’s why were going East (again).

Taiwan is the fourth highest island on Earth. To get to the East coast there are five mountain ranges in the way, a lively tectonic plate and a few active volcanoes to spice things up. And there’s nothing like a typhoon to give you a sense of being outdoors.

Taipei or not taipei

So now there are just 3 small steps to glory:

  1. Find a moped hire company that specialises in the sort of local crapheap that looks like a Deliveroo bike dredged from a canal.
  2. Negotiate a hire option with full collision damage waiver that includes possibly returning only the spare key and some GPS co-ordinates to a ravine.
  3. Get a long list of jabs for infectious diseases that are difficult to spell.

Watch this space

But not for too long or your eyes will go funny.