Name: The Hunt for Nessie
Destination: Loch Ness
Distance: 227 metres (underwater)
Vehicles: Motorised bathtubs
There’s a monster out there. It’s time we found it.
In 2018 the Scottish Government reopened the files on the Loch Ness Monster. Ever since 1933 when someone mistook driftwood for a triple-humped monster with a long neck people have been enchanted in the mystery. In over 80 years of serious searching no one has found so much as a welly boot. Of course we all know it exists, it’s just that no one has gone about it the right way. It’s time we sorted this. It’s time to send in T.U.B.S.
A new force in underwater exploration
Granted, our rivals in the field have had a few successes. Titanic, The Mary Rose, Bismarck to name a few. BUT, still no one has conquered the biggest prize in underwater exploration. Nessie, The Loch Ness Monster.
The finders fee must be pretty epic by now so Extreme Trifle has diverted a weekend’s beer money to launch Transglobal Underwater Beast Solutions (TUBS).
A question of tactics
Every attempt to locate Nessie in recent times has relied on one thing. Sonar. This is clearly bonkers. It is a well known fact that Monsters do not eat sound waves. They eat people, especially children. What we need to entice the beast from the deep is some good old fashioned bait. What could be more attractive to a peckish prehistoric beast than some vulnerable members of the public enjoying a relaxing bath.
Anyone who’s watched Jaws/Piranha/Zombeavers knows that predators like quick and tasty and preferably stupid. Why munch through the hull of a cross channel ferry when you can scoff someone serving themselves up in a plastic bowl.
Time to make waves
The T.U.B.S project has been shrouded in the sort of secrecy associated with a Trump out of court settlement. If word had got out we would have had to pull the plug and having lost a prototype tub during testing because of pulling a plug we’re relieved to have got to launch date without being compromised.
The shakedown tests are complete and it’s time to make waves though nothing too big as a passing swan could probably sink us.
A feeling of calm and well being is all part of the bath tub experience. Maybe for you a lychee scrub infused with coconut oil is where it’s at. For us it’s SAE140 in the gearbox and a good quality 2-stroke marine oil at a 10:1 mix in the engine. With that ratio of oil and 1940’s engine technology there is a good chance we’ll find Nessie floating on her side in a rainbow oil slick of Deepwater Horizon proportions. That would be a shame as they’d probably hold back the finder’s fee.
Sink or swim
They say Loch Ness is more like a sea crossing than a lake. The stats are not favourable. During testing we’ve had a 33% failure rate which admittedly is not within Royal Navy tolerances but as all members of the team are expendable that’ll do.
So, without delay we must put T.U.B.S in to action. Fame and fortune is within our grasp. Let’s just hope we don’t end up with a pube on the soap.